1 OUT OF 5

Even as I write this, I’m questioning “is this a good idea to share with the world? Do I need people to know that I had a miscarriage?” But just as life has its ups and downs, so will this blog. And maybe some other gal will read this now or later and it will help her cope or let go. Or maybe not. Whatever the case, this is my way to tell everyone in one big swoop, so that you can hear it from me and not a distant source. Because this is one thing that I can control. I kept it PG, but if you already cringed while reading the “m” word, then maybe just skip this one.

SURPRISED. Tuesday. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for awhile, so I was surprised to finally take a positive at-home test. I couldn’t wait to tell Derek! I put Mya in a “big sis” t-shirt– the same t-shirt my parents had me wear when I was 2 yrs old expecting my little brother!– and put the positive pregnancy test and four bouncy balls (courtesy of Mya) in a paper bag. When Derek got home from work, Mya proudly announced, “Baby in Mama’s belly!”

SurpriseDada

CONFUSED. Thursday. At the first doc appointment, I explained how I was still bleeding even though I was pregnant. (Bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean you will miscarry. I am no doctor. But seeing a doctor is always a good idea.) They took a sonogram and said it looked like I was closer to 7 weeks pregnant than 2 weeks (like I thought I was.) I felt naive– like I was on TLC’s “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Then they took my blood to get my HCG level.

Mya and I drove to NanaPapa’s to tell them the good news and spend the night. I dressed her in the same “big sis” t-shirt and Mya gave them a newborn onesie that read “I [heart] Nana + Papa.” Needless to say, they were pretty excited.

CRAMPY. Friday. We played most of the day at NanaPapa’s house. I kept having to sit down because of intense cramps. Since Mya’s pregnancy was a breeze, I figured it would be the same the second time around. But I didn’t care. I thought, “bring on the cramps, bring on the morning sickness, bring on the back pain… I’m just happy to be prego!” My Mom said I looked sick and wanted to drive me and Mya home, but I wouldn’t let her. So Mya and I drove home.

CarTrail

On the hour ride, I had intense cramping and pain was shooting down my inner legs. When we got home, I grabbed Mya and ran inside to the bathroom. On the way there, IT happened.

QUIET. I knew in that instant what happened. Even though I had never experienced a miscarriage before, I knew whatever we had was no more. All of the cramping and physical pain was gone instantly. Probably reacting from my blank stare, Mya asked, “Mama okay?” Derek got home from work soon after.

I laid on the couch– honestly not thinking about much. I didn’t know what to think. We even ate our dinner of burgers and fries and had somewhat normal conversation.

SAD. I didn’t want to call the doctor. Maybe because I didn’t want to believe the last 30 minutes? But Derek made me. She said it was most likely a miscarriage and if the heavy bleeding continued, I needed to go to the ER.

I cried. I didn’t want Mya to see me sad. But I couldn’t control it. She asked, “What’s wrong, Mama?” And I told her there was no longer a baby in Mama’s belly. And since this is what she always says when anything is broken in our house, she said “Dada [will] fix it.” And we all smiled. Because he does always fix everything.

WEAK. NanaPapa came within the hour to spend the night. I was losing a lot of blood, so Derek and my Dad took me to the ER. They confirmed a “complete miscarriage.” I didn’t know what this meant, but it meant that everything was cleared out. They didn’t have to physically remove anything else. We were only there 3 hours, but I was so ready to go home.

HospitalAshley1

GRATEFUL. Saturday. When I woke up the next morning, I was thankful for so many things: for the laughter of Mya from downstairs, for my hubby that was there to hold my hand for as long as I wanted, for my family that dropped everything to be there for us, for some good ol’ Kansas City BBQ, and for Mya hugs. Mya hugs cure anything.

MamaHugs

DadaWrestle

BestHubby

There are so many other women that have gone through so much worse. They have carried a baby so much longer– three months, full-term, and even until they’re 10 yrs old and then lost them. Unlike those beyond strong women, I never felt like I lost a baby. I just felt like I lost the possible home of a baby. Did you know that 1 out of 5 women have a miscarriage? I sure didn’t.

That was our weekend in a nutshell. A mix of emotions, but it ended with smiles. We are so blessed to already have the sweetest little girl. And I know when the time is right, we will someday have another lil’ babes. Every day is beautiful.

ThreeAmigos

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4 Comments

  • Reply
    Eric
    February 4, 2015 at 8:17 AM

    Love you Ash. You, too, are beyond strong!

  • Reply
    Pat Cimino
    February 4, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    Things like this happen for a reason. God will bless you again. Love you.

  • Reply
    Dori
    February 4, 2015 at 10:38 PM

    Dear Ashley,
    I have been a quiet reader of your blog for some time now. I am always amazed at your energy and creativity. However, your latest post deeply touched me.
    I remember reading an article where the author tried to explain how becoming a parent was, for her, the beginning of her humanity. It is said that when you have children, it is like having your heart walking around outside your body.
    I am so sorry for your loss. Still, I celebrate your humanity, and mine…
    Dori

  • Reply
    Carol
    February 5, 2015 at 7:47 PM

    Ashley,
    I am so sorry. I remember when I had mine. I felt this huge loss. Please know it’s okay to grieve. Thinking of you.

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